Wunderluster


A Drag King
February 5, 2008, 1:54 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve passed several ideas around on how I could envigorate this journal. But for one, let me say this: the highlights of this place are my grumbling contemplations and borderline whining about things that have happened, meaning past tense, in my life. My travel writing is pretty poor, if not non-existent.

Now, Wunderlusting, as it were, doesn’t necessarily demand the topic be about seeing penguins, eating exotic meals or seeing a girl naked in the hostel bathroom. Wunderlusting as I understand is about looking forward toward adventure. As we all know, there are several types of adventures

 There’s professional adventure, for instance.

 

 I am on one of these now. My grip is white-knuckled. Coaching on the professional level is a constant poker match between players, coaches and other teams. You’re constantly trying to measure what the other one is holding without, of course, giving up what you’re stashing. I’ve found that I’m holding many intangibles: eagerness, wit, being personable and an ability to observe both on the human level and on the basketball court. That’s pretty good I think. But I’m up against people who’ve been to the rodeo more than a few times. My challenge is to show these cowboys I can ride having not ever really corralled a bull before. There’s a lot of posturing and it’s fascinating. I wish I could get into specifics, but I’ll have to wait and write a “Ball Four” – like masterpiece.

I’m learning at my job at a furious pace. The position, plus my relative lack of practical experience, demands it. Understanding the wave you’re riding is probably the first key to any great adventure. This brings me to the biggest black mark on my life so far. I have been on a great adventure in the past, but I didn’t really know it at the time. Sure, I had a look at what I was saying and what I was doing and I admitted that it was all pretty cool. But when I look back, I was weighed down by trivialities. Triviality is the business of the righteous and I have been Pat Robertson incarnate in the past.

Now, you probably want some sort of explanation as to what the fuck I’m talking about. But try as I might, I can’t tell you. See, I’ve tried to repay my debt for taking a good thing for granted. (This is not to say that this good thing was “the right thing” or “the only thing” for me, but rather that it wasn’t fully appreciated at the time). I mull over where I could have done better. I have dreams replaying opportunities where I went overboard with zeal. Yet, there will be no respite from this ghostly curse until I kill it.

But there’s the rub. How do you kill something that’s not alive and not dead, either. Sure, you can talk about loss, grief, death, guilt until you’ve run out of words. But what does that do? At a certain point, those topics become central to one’s day-to-day inner-monologue and engulf so that other adventures go further unappreciated.

On the other hand, you can always try to ignore regret, but I always know when I’m distracting myself.

And that’s the cycle that I’m in. Regret has the best of me. That’s why I can’t update this blog regularly. Writing about what really burns me is only going to feed the monster.  

Let me clarify: this is where I want to be. This is right. This is a good start. It’s progress. But as for this cursed cloud that hangs, well,  I just don’t know what other penance is left to pay.

(P.S. — Anyone who suggests this is all just cyclical, self-fulfilling thinking can kiss my ass and will be banned from this website.)

(P.P.S. — Anyone know the score from the Super Bowl?)

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

New York wins! New York wins! You owe me five bucks.

Comment by Marco

Valentines day is commercial and over-rated. I am glad you are generally happy and facing new challenges with the coaching gig. Ghosts of regret are really only in your head but I hope they go away, anyway. I hope I am not the ghost you hate because I could never hate you. I miss your friendship.

Comment by ilanikah

I don’t know the exact score, but I do know that the Patriots lost!

And I’m smiling a little bit inside….

Comment by Heather

Ok, I looked it up.
NY-17
NE-14

Comment by Heather




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